I’ve been struggling lately with how many “this should be the last”, “if I can just get through this one last thing”, “a break is coming” sort of messages I have been sending myself lately.
Through the process of creating our new TFT website look and integrating scheduling/management software I was met with “alright, just one last thing” several times over. I didn’t anticipate the extra work and energy this project really would require.
One positive that I’d like to relate through this experience was the refining of my bio that I needed to update. I have to tell you of all the little tasks and opportunities for the launch we undertook, re-working my bio was the one I was dragging my feet on the most. As I asked myself, “WHY does this feel like such a big undertaking? It’s just a few paragraphs.” I knew the truth lie deeper than “Oh I just don’t like to talk about myself.”
After a little meditation I came to the realization that I needed a bit of help. I met with a trusted friend and colleague to help with this task. This person is a yogi and a writer who had offered her services in a training group of mine and I felt I had nothing to lose in reaching out to her. I wasn’t sure what to expect with our session together-- if we would go through my outdated bio and update it line by line or what? Just how grueling was this process going to be? What I didn’t anticipate was it being such a healing opportunity.
I ended up confided in her very early on in our meeting why I didn’t want to do this project. It just came to me and I had to get it off my chest. I hadn’t pre-meditated or rehearsed this part in my head of what I would say to her. In fact, I shared something quite personal with her that I haven’t readily shared before, something that has caused me some guilt and shame that I stuffed deep down for a number of years. I shared with her that I used to write and I used to enjoy writing. When I was a Sophomore in college I was working through an episode of anxiety/depression and had gotten quite behind in my coursework and grades. As a result of trying to catch-up, meet a deadline and not really having the energy to put into the work, I plagiarized some text in an assigned paper. I was caught by my literary professor, who was actually quite kind about it and provided me both and extension and help to complete the paper properly. This could have been disastrous for my college career and I still stagger at the fact that I could have lost my scholarship or been expelled! I lucked out. What ultimately resulted from this experience was of greater detriment, that I stopped writing for pleasure. Any writing I did (for school and then professionally) had the pleasure sucked out of it. I became excessively critical of my writing and was unable to express my voice through written word.
So when I met with my friend, the writer, she held a safe space for me and allowed me to tell my story. She responded with, “Well that was a long time ago. Could’ve been worse. You didn’t kill anybody.” In her kindness and using her sense of humor I was instantly relieved as I realized my truth of why I had been procrastinating so much on this task. I felt ready to move on without the old baggage, of being too critical of myself and allowing my authentic voice to be heard.
What happened in our session together after my ‘admission of guilt’ and my new-found healing of this past event was now being able to explore some words and start finding phrases that really identified how I could connect with my students. I could speak genuinely and in terms that shared with them the features and benefits of the services I could offer them. I could express my true self what I am passionate about doing.
This experience allowed me to embrace the creative process of writing again. What I found in asking for and accepting help from the right person was to:
- Identify the problem
- Make amends with the past
- See a new way of looking at a task I thought I would dislike
This process was not all roses. There honestly was still a little internal battle of “Ugh-time to get real.” My good side angel harped “time to do some healing work” my naughty side angel rebuffed “shut it down-this sucks.” I powered through the little voices in my head and did complete writing my bio and am happy with the final product.
I enjoyed the anticipation of spending time with drafts of the bio being imperfect. I savored the moments when I felt that I captured the words that I wanted to say and especially enjoyed knowing that it was my process. So, if you find yourself sitting today with sensation of heaviness or dragging your feet on something I challenge and invite you to take action and see what blocks you can move. Spring is all about transformation. What can you transform?
We’d love to hear from you what projects and issues you are working on and how you have discovered some of your own little truths during the way. Do share here....